A Mother's Heart

To my family and friends: Today marks one month from the day my precious baby girl was born. I have not blogged in this period of time, because, how do you write about something so dear to your heart somewhere so impersonal as the world wide web? I have felt the need to recognize this event in my life, by writing about it, by blogging about it, but have struggled to find the correct way to do so. I want to blog about other things as well... our recent trip to Disney World, our preparations for Christmas, other exciting things, but feel like before I do that, I need to recognize Caitlyn's brief appearance in my life on, my blog, a place where I have recorded all other important happenings in my life. So, with that said, I am posting portions of something I wrote a week after Caitlyn's birth, while visting the garden area where she is buried. Please know this writing is more for myself and the reverence which I have for this experience than for any of my readers, but thank you to any and all of who do take the time to read it.

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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Dear baby Caitlyn,

Today, we visit your gravesite, where your precious little body lay. We didn't plan it this way, but you were born almost exactly one week ago today. How our world has changed from one week ago. There is another man here, visiting a headstone, cleaning the grass and pine needles off, and I hope I will come here often, to take care of your special and holy spot, with time. Oh, how we love you and were awaiting your arrival. Aubrey was so excited to have a baby sister she could teach to be girly and such the princess she is. She was planning on showing you all there was to know about being a girl. Andrew, he wasn't going to know what hit him, and was probably just going to grab at your eyelashes and pat you on the head like he does so often to us. Your daddy was looking so forward to holding you and loving you, his second precious daughter. He has a special spot in his heart for his little girls. He was looking forward to holding you in his arms and singing softly to you when you cried. There were a thousand things we had in mind for you. And me, your mother, how I enjoyed feeling so connected to you! You moved so much, so frequently, and though maybe I pretended to complain, in my heart I rejoiced every time I felt you kick. I felt so connected to you and felt so much love for you. How excited I was to finally have you in my arms, to wrap my arms around you, and know that I knew you better than anyone, and know that I could comfort your when you cried, and enjoy the moments with you as a tiny newborn. Our family had so much love for you! We waited so anxiously for your arrival, "after Christmas and before Valentine's Day." We weren't really expecting you, so soon after Andrew, your sweet, loving older brother, but I knew you were coming, from very very early on. I'm grateful to have had so much time to get to know you. And we still await you, though it will be a longer time, but I know, I will someday have the opportunity to wrap my arms around you, and give you all the love in my heart, which is great. I hope you are waiting on the other side, that you are as anxious as I to meet. I feel like I know you, in a small way, and grateful for the chance to have forever to learn more. You are so special, baby Cait, and so precious. So close to my heart, now and always. I don't know why we were chosen to be the guardians or your little body, but I am grateful beyond words we could provide that to you. I am happy in my heart to know that gaining a body is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us, and that you were able to complete that part of your progression. As I looked at your little body after you were delivered, I marvelled at how perfect you were- everything from your ears down to your ten tiny toes with even smaller toenails. I thought to myself, "now I know what perfection really is." Even though you had so much growing left to do, which we would have loved to have been part of, for many years. But now I know your growth will be on the other side of the veil.

I am so grateful to you, Caitlyn- to have been a part of our lives for a brief time, and to be the means of teaching to us, and helping us learn the beauty and the simplicity of the gospel. I know we will see you again, and I'm grateful that we have eternity- that's it's not just a few months, but forever that you are ours...

I know that Heavenly Father loves me dearly, because I was able to carry and bear you... truly Caitlyn, you are a gift. I love you so much...

And so, I feel immense peace. I look forward to that day that I can give you an even greater measure of love, from me, your mom. How I rejoice at the thought. Our family has so much love in our hearts for you. Me, your daddy, your sister Aubrey and brother Andrew. We love you. I hope you know, and think you do. Being worthy of together as a family with you is what I most fervently desire.

With all my heart,
mom
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