In Memory
I realize some of you know what I'm thinking of. Others might question what I'm referring to. Those who know, may never have seen a picture. So, today, October 30th, I'll share with you a part of my world.
This is my baby, Baby Caitlyn Anne. She would be three today. 
She was "too lovely, too perfect for this world" and departed this life before it had even really begun. I think of her often around this time of the year. I miss her.
The pictures I have of her do not do her justice. In pictures, I see her tiny little body, perfect in form and feature, but still. The hospital seemed too sterile and impersonal a place for such a tiny little angel, not of this world.
In the funeral home, when I held her for the last time, I looked at my baby Caitlyn Anne and tried to memorize her every feature. I held her and held her and didn't want to give her back because I knew, I knew, it would be a very long time before I got to see the face of an angel, my angel, again.
In that room, as I looked at my baby, I felt like I knew her spirit. Though her body was still, her spirit was strong, vibrant, and alive. It gave me hope that one day I would see her again.
I've pondered a lot on hope since then. And I've thought a lot about the resurrection. "Ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal" (Moroni 7:41). I am so grateful for the atonement and resurrection of my Savior Jesus Christ. Because of him, and through him, I can be cleansed from sin, and resurrected to life eternal. I can be reunited with my tiny angel. I can have the blessing of my family being together forever. This is my greatest hope.
Three years ago, on October 30th, I thought my world had ended. The experience itself and the process I went through following it was painful. Sometimes, it still is. But I know that through Jesus Christ, everything will be made right in the end. He will wipe the tears from our eyes (Rev. 21:4), and we will feel joy as exceeding as was our pain (Alma 36:20). We can see our baby again.
How grateful I am for that.
20 comments:
beautiful.
Hey Sister of mine...I just sent you a little email and thought I'd check your blog. Thank you for sharing. I wish I had been there to just cry with you, as I do every year on this day for you. She's still yours and she'll always be yours. I love you sister...and Chad, and Aubs, and Roo.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and beautiful post with us.
Thank you for the post. It always makes me weepy to remember but at the same time I'm so amazed at the calibur of Mama your little angel has. She's so lucky to have you and so are the other kids. What a blessing to have answers in this life and look forward to life in the next.
Love and hugs today, Kristin. What a sweet and joyous reunion lies ahead for Baby Caitlyn and your family.
you are a beautiful, strong person. thank you for your testimony of eternal families.
I've been thinking about you lately. Thank you for sharing.
am crying thinking of you-thank you for being willing to share & live
You are loved... and you will embrace that tiny angel daughter someday and celebrate your reunion. I can only imagine the joy you will feel. You are an amazing gal. Love you!
You are an amazing woman of faith and strength, Kristin. I love you and am thinking of you.
the gospel is amazing and we are so fortunate to have such a deeper understanding of life and what all the trials and things we encounter truly mean. it gives us such hope of better things to come. i miss caitlyn for you and like i said am still sad it happened three years ago. but i admire you again and again for your strength. thank you for your example and for teaching me through the way you live with such optimism and hope.
You have a way with words and putting experiences into words. I am grateful to have you as my sister for your example. I look forward to the day when I get to meet your sweet little girl as well, though I'm sure I'll have to wait in line. :) I love you and have been thinking of you guys today.
Beautiful! Your little Angel has one amazing Mom.
I love you Kristin. You are an example to all of us.
What beautiful thoughts! Thank you for sharing your testimony of eternal families. Love you so much!
I love you guys Kissy. I thought of you a lot yesterday and I remember so clearly the night that I found out about baby Caitlyn and the deep sadness I felt for what you guys were going through and for now having to wait to get to know her. Thanks for sharing this.
My dear, dear daughter, you were inspired to write these words. I have a sweet sister here who has experienced the same type of loss at the same stage of pregnancy just this week and I know that when I share your thoughts and feelings with her they will be a source of great comfort. Thank you for being a blessing in her life and ours. You and Chad have been much on my mind this week, as has our sweet Caitlyn, I love you.
I am grateful for such beautiful and solid perspective from someone who is willing to share such an amazing and personal experience. I admire you guys and I'm grateful for your testimony.
Kristin, I feel so grateful for your friendship. You truly are an example of faith, optimism and endurance. I love you for your willingness to share such a tender part of your life. We truly are so blessed to have the gospel to help give perspective on our lives here on earth. I love you and your family and think of you always at this time of year.
I happened accidentally on your blog through my sister's blog today. I didn't know you three years ago. I'm sorry for the pain you've suffered. What an amazing testimony. You lift me with your strength. Thank you for sharing something so close to your mama heart. Love to you!
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