What running has to do with Babs

A few weeks ago, I was running around the track at the YMCA. Below the track is a gym where exercise classes take place while I run. Mostly it consists of senior ladies, and sometimes they do a "sit and be fit" type class but this particular day they were doing a dance exercise class. I watched these ladies, many of them the age my grandma would be, doing various dance moves, and some of them were really getting into it. I felt very wistful because I think my grandma would have enjoyed something like that. She enjoyed dancing and those fancy moves were something I could totally see her wanting to do, albeit a little self consciously. I see these ladies often in the gym while I'm on the track and as a result, I've thought a lot about my grandma Barbara recently.

She was so much a part of my childhood: she is in almost every important memory I have growing up. She lived so near us that she was able to come see us often, and come for school programs, birthday dinners, student council election speeches, many soccer games, and countless choir and band concerts. She was my and my sisters' biggest fan, and we loved her for it. We celebrated holidays together, Sunday dinners together, and important milestones like baptisms together.

I remember looking forward to my 8th birthday not only because I would be baptized, but because Grandma was taking me on a special trip, just she and I, to see my cousins in Dallas. She took me on my first airplane ride. On other birthdays, we would go shopping together to find a special outfit to wear. Her homemade birthday cards, with all their sparkly stickers, cut out embellishments, and hand drawn pictures were legendary. I have kept many of them and I take them out from time to time and reread them. Her loopy left-handed cursive is familiar and fills my heart with nostalgia and love for my grandma, who loved me, and my sisters, so much.

We were fortunate to be on the receiving end of so much love and attention from Grandma because she had only two sons, my dad being one of them, and we lived so close. But she had a lot of love to give, and I hope my cousins felt no less loved than we did. And aside from being there with us for important events, she came with us on nearly every family vacation we took. We loved having her with us, because she would always bring along things to entertain us, whether it was things to play with, like sticker books and games, or stories she told, or gadgets she found to make our lives in the car easier, like the now-infamous "pididdle box" (for bathrooming purposes), which makes me laugh to this day. Oh, how Grandma loved her gadgets. She was so intrigued by any gadgety thing, her house was full of them.

She was an eccentric lady, and she had no qualms whatsoever about calling herself weird. As a child, I always thought that I had such a funny grandma, and I grew up laughing at the things she had to say. I think I took for granted her living so close until we moved away. I remember wanting to, and probably trying to, convince her to come with us. In the era before webcams and chatting (which Grandma so totally would have gotten behind) she sent love in the mail, through her famous handmade cards, and visited often. Eventually, she came to live in Texas, where both her sons lived. Chad helped build the house she lived in. And here is another point in time which I grew to love my Grandma.

By this time I had married and had Aubrey. We had moved back to Texas after graduating from BYU. While Chad did his student teaching, we lived in my parents home. Before my grandma's house was done, she lived in the room next door to ours. She had relocated, because she had started having some memory problems, not too bad at first, but enough to need a little supervision. Once again, we lived nearby, very nearby this time, and I began to experience a role reversal of sorts in our relationship. Again, we would go shopping. But instead of her driving me, I would drive her, and instead of buying things for me, we bought things for her. Sometimes two of us would go with Grandma so one of us could put stuff back that she wanted to buy that she shouldn't, while the other distracted her so she didn't know. More than once she attempted to purchase alcohol. That was always funny. She just didn't always know what was in the things she bought. But she always bought toys and gifts for Aubrey, the little girl who made her world go round.

Aubrey was the light of my Grandma's life once she moved to Texas. I don't mean to say that like I'm bragging, but most people who watched their interactions would attest to that fact. All of us adults were so very concerned about her memory, her little episodes, and because of that, we judged what she could and couldn't do. Aubrey, who was only 1 at the time, didn't see any of that. She saw a cheery, sweet grandma who lavished her with praise and attention. And, as children do, Aubrey loved Grandma without reservation. Which I believe made Grandma love her all the more. Everything she did, was so smart, and so intelligent. Almost every time we saw her, she would point out that there were traces of red in her hair, which, she would also point out proudly, was a Seil trait. She would tell and retell the story to anybody who would listen, about Aubrey walking down the sidewalk to knock on her door (which was in our backyard) to come play. And while some of the details are sketchy (ie, Aubrey was barely walking and we didn't let her out of the house alone), we knew Grandma loved Aubrey. I am happy because I know that Aubrey made Grandma's living here, with the limitations we placed on her, worthwhile.

I'm still so sad that Grandma's life was cut short the way it was. She passed away shortly after we came back from a vacation, and so we hadn't seen her as often as usual before she was gone from us. And while on that vacation, I felt like I should call her so Aubrey could talk to her, and so Chad and I could say hi, but I didn't, and I really regret that, still to this day.

But I think I have felt especially connected to her all my life because I was given her middle name, which I also passed on to my own daughter, who grandma loved so much. Even since her passing, I've felt connected to her. I'm glad she has stayed with me.

Which brings me back around to the present day, where I've been thinking about her a lot. It's possible it has to do with the anniversary of my baby Cait. I've always harbored a secret hope that maybe it is my beloved grandmother who is taking care of my beloved angel baby for me until I can. I don't know how that works in the heavenly realm, but I know she loved my first daughter and so I can't help but think she feels the same about my second. It's a nice thought.

And in the meantime, I think, there are so many places I know I'd take her if she were still here. I know she would have come see me in my race last weekend and probably would have worn a crazy hat to cheer me on. I bet we'd still be taking her shopping, and probably putting things back on the shelves from her cart clandestinedly. I know she'd come with us to Aubrey's school programs. I know she'd come with us on vacations. I know she'd come over to our house for Sunday dinner.

Because she is so ingrained in my memory, and in my life, there are so many things I see that I immediately think, "grandma would have loved this!" And that's why I'd take her with me to the YMCA for a dance exercise class while I ran around the track.