Bad Contractions

There's someone in this house who has been having bad contractions... okay, NO, it's not me, it's Princess. Only her contractions aren't of the uterine kind. Hers are the potentially more painful kind. The kind that hurt your ears, especially if they are grammatically sensitive. Let me explain. Today, we did some yardwork, some jobs I was hoping would bring on the contractions. Unfortunately, the only contractions during this labor that came on were from Princess. During our work, a comment was made to Princess about how sweaty she was, to which she replied, (here comes the contraction, take a breath) "No I amn't!" Apparently, she has decided that the words 'am' and 'not' can be combined much like 'do' and 'not' can. She has also been known to say "willn't," as in, "I willn't do it!" It's very funny and at the same time, I'm wondering what thought processes she went through to decide that she was still following grammatical rules about combining words. At any rate, I'm glad that SOMEONE in this house is contracting, even though it isn't me.

In a related vein of thought, what are people thinking when they look at you, their eyes travel down to your burgeoning belly, and say, "you must be due very soon!" or "I'm sorry" or even, my favorite, "whoa! you're about to pop!", like I'm some kind of overblown beach ball or something. These were all comments I received from strangers yesterday. What do you say to comments like that???? I mean, it's not like I don't know that my stomach is getting larger by the day. It's a cruel trick... I saw a shirt I wanted to buy a couple days ago that said, "Do the Math...It's Really Ten Months!" Yes, the reason I'm "about to pop" is because I've been carrying a baby inside of me for the better part of one year. This is the stage of pregnancy where you just grin and bear it. These are all well-meaning people after all, who are trying in their own distorted way to show some compassion. (At least this is what I tell myself.) It just makes me even more glad for my dad, who saw me yesterday for the first time in several weeks (and I know I've gotten bigger since I saw him last) and practically the first words he said were, "honey, you look great!"

I felt some vindication last night, because on 20/20, there was a segment on gender and they were talking about pregnancy, and they gave scientific evidence that while you are pregnant and until about six months after you give birth, a woman's brain shrinks 8%! I personally think I've lost more than my fair share, but it makes me feel better knowing there's an actual reason behind me almost leaving the house without pants, or repeating myself to Princess, or forgetting to close the fridge. This way, when Coach asks me, "Dear, why did you put the milk in the pantry?" I can say, "well, darling, it's because I'm functioning subpar, only working at 92% brain capacity." These are things I actually have said to him before, in not so many words, but this time, he has to understand because there is scientific research to back me up this time. Nevertheless, I'll be glad when I get my 8% back.